He's mentioned in a few interviews that he has anxiety about press tours and publicity appearances. He originally turned down Captain America because he was afraid of the enormity of a six-picture commitment and the ways in which a role that big would turn his life upside down. He's admitted that he talked the decision over with his therapist before finally saying yes. And every time a new Marvel movie comes out and the publicity machine trots out the dog-and-pony show you can see in his frozen smiles and his glassy, deer-in-the-headlights eyes that he is genuinely uncomfortable with all that attention.
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| (Gifs by http://chrisevanssource.tumblr.com/post/92980598499) |
People are always comparing Robert Downey Jr. to his Marvel character, Tony Stark, given the shared history of substance abuse, manic charm, and propensity for flamboyant behavior. But whenever I see Chris Evans step out in front of a crowd of reporters or cheering fans, and I watch him doing best to smile and pretend he's having a good time, all I can think of is Steve Rogers sadly drawing that picture of a dancing monkey after one of his USO shows.
This is all relevant to me because I also struggle with anxiety. Part of the reason I chose to write novels is because it is a profession that affords the luxury of spending a lot of time alone in front of a computer, rather than interacting with other human people, which is not something I feel like I'm very good at.
Writing is my escape from the persistent din of worry that's always there, needling at the edges of my brain. When I'm absorbed in a story everything else fades to white noise in the background and I don't have to think about all the financial problems and family drama and health woes and personal failings that threaten to keep me up at night. I can shed the myriad inadequacies of my real self and live happily inside this imaginary world I've created inside my head.
I spent enough time doing high school theater (in fact I lettered in theater, which is only slightly less nerdy than lettering in chess) to suspect this same freedom from self is probably what drew Chris Evans to an acting career in the first place. It's one thing to put on a costume and assume a role and express words and emotions dictated by someone else, and a whole other manner of terrifying to step out in front of a crowd of people who want you to be yourself, which is pretty much the scariest thing you can possibly ask of someone like me.
Here's the thing about being a novelist, though. It's all well and good when you're just sitting at home typing words on a screen. But then one day you've got to send those words out into the world and listen to all sorts of people tell you the myriad ways your words are inadequate. And only after you've been through that hell, and only if you're really, really good at it, and really, really lucky, you might actually get published. Which is when the genuinely scary part begins.
Because then suddenly you're expected to go out there and publicize yourself. They're going to send you to release parties and book signings. You're going to have to stand up in front of people and read excerpts from your own writing, and speak on panels at cons with writers who are better and more successful than you, and make small talk with industry professionals, and interact with fans who've waited in line just for those precious few seconds of your time which is A LOT OF GODDAMN PRESSURE. I have been one of those fans waiting in a line and I know how important it is to them and how can I possibly live up to that kind of expectation?
And maybe that all doesn't sound so bad to you because you're a Robert Downey Jr. type and you thrive on that kind of attention. If so, good for you. But maybe, like me, you're a Chris Evans at heart and the idea of doing all of that SCARES THE EVERLIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU. Well, guess what, buttercup? Too damn bad. Do it anyway.
Because here's the thing: just because something scares you doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. More importantly, it doesn't mean you can't do it. Like almost everything in life, the more you do it, the more you can do it. In fact, you can do pretty much anything you set your mind to if you want it bad enough. And you want this, don't you? If you want it bad enough to put in the hours it takes to get good at writing and come up with an outline and write a whole novel all on your own and set yourself up for rejection by sending out queries, then I'd say you want it pretty bad.
There are going to be millions of little moments along the way when it's going to feel like you should just give up. Your brain is going to try to talk you out of doing this because it's hard or because it's scary or because you might fail. You need to tell your brain to shut the fuck up.
Don't want to listen to me? Then maybe you'll listen to Chris Evans, who is much prettier and more charming than me:
When he talks about "brain noise" he's talking about anxiety. Because that's what anxiety is—a feedback loop inside your head that you can't turn off. Learning to tune it out is the key to coping with anxiety. Saying "shhhh" to my fears is something I battle with on a daily basis.
Chris Evans understands. Chris Evans wants us to go out there and pursue our passions anyway.
Chris Evans says: “Do the things that scare you the most.” Which is exactly the advice I'd give to twelve-year-old me if I could go back in time.
Don't let your fears stop you from going after the things you want. Don't let all that noise in your head talk you out of greatness. Don't hide from the world. TAKE IT BY STORM, GODDAMMIT. The things that are most worth doing are almost always going to be the things that scare you the most.
Don't be the person who passes up the chance to be Captain America and ends up wondering what their life could have been like. BE GODDAMN CAPTAIN AMERICA. Always. Every day. In everything you do.
(Author's Note: I couldn't find the original source for those Captain America gifs above, so if they're yours or you know who made them, please let me know. I'd really like to give you credit.)
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